pottrgrl (pottrgrl) wrote,

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Lost, Confused & Sad

Please explain to me how it is that smart men can be so, so, stupid? Is it age? Is it lack of experience? Is it lack of caring? What? I’ve given up a lot of my physical wants and needs in order to be understanding of his feelings toward my weight. But when he won’t take a day off with me for my birthday, but he’ll take a day to extend the following weekend, a day which he’d like to spend by himself…I feel beyond crushed.

Don’t misunderstand me; it is important for him to have time to himself but... considering that we had a few conversations in May talking about whether or not we should separate …I’d have thought he would have liked a little extra time together but maybe, maybe I’m just being overly demanding. I try not to be. I try to not be argumentative; I try to not be “clingy”. But, maybe I’m just expecting more on the emotional side of things since there is less on the physical side and I should not expect that.

I know that I have a right to feel cherished and adored and like I’m the most important thing to my husband, but it has been so long…that I’ve given up on ever feeling like that again and I tell myself that in the long run those are small things because he does love me and he is a good man yet the feeling of loss keeps at me.

Not taking a day off to extend my birthday weekend is and of itself is a small thing, but I guess, for me at least, when a small thing gets added to the growing pile of “small things” and the pile topples over, I’m left with silently having to pile everything back up again.

It did not used to be this way. I’ve never been considered pretty and even when I was skinny I was shaped like a boy, but when I met my husband I was already heavy yet he made it obvious that I was important to him, that he adored me and that is what made love him. No one else I’d ever dated made me feel that way. How do I get that back? Do I need to be more of a traditional wife? Take his last name? Make sure I do all the cooking and cleaning and shopping? I’d hate to do it, but I’d kill the feminist in me if I thought it would help with the emotional loss I feel.

Does this make any sense? Am I just being overly dramatic? Am I just being selfish? I’ve not been married before, is this just how it is and I need to put up and shut up? I'm lost, I think.
Tags: now you find my heart filled to the top
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